Sometimes the distances between myself and the people I love seem truly vast. Some days the senselessness of the world makes even less sense to me than on others. Some days I feel real joy and heartbreaking sadness within moments of one another. Some days life seems like a gift and on others a karmic burden. Some days I am so grateful to be the age I am and on others, I would give anything to be in my twenties again figuring this all out all over again. Some days I want to live forever on on other days it all seems completely pointless.
This is not a case of an unmanaged mood disorder, just the problem with having a heart that can be cracked wide open probably more than it should be every week. I'm not unhinged, I think I just got to a place in my life where I learned to allow myself to feel. And because I have learned to lean into the joy, that means I am also aware of the brutal harshness that the universe seems so randomly to hand out. I don't watch the news because it's too hard to see what's happening out there. Not so much because I don't want to know, but because I don't want to become desensitised to it. I want to feel these feelings that I feel even when they bring me to my knees...tonight is one of those nights.
It's not my emotional pain and discomfort I am talking about. I have done, and continue to do, my work, and of course, I have shitty days just like everyone else. Days when I feel uncertain and needy. Days when I think about cutting my muffin tops off with the kitchen scissors and driving my car very fast into the person who cut me off in the traffic. I do, however, see myself as a pretty level person most of the time; if you disregard the thoughts of kitchen scissors and the rear-ending. I am educated, employed, have a roof over my head, a car to drive to work (when it's not at the mechanic's), a wonderful partner, an incredible mother, and a small but amazing family. I have phenomenal friends all over the world (even though I don't see them very often), have travelled and lived abroad, I have my own business, and I have worked fucking hard to get over my stuff. So I see myself as one of the world's privileged and I am extremely grateful for the pocket paid that the universe dealt me - even though they might not be aces.
My work fulfills me and I have learned how to pause and breathe in difficult and challenging situations, which means I don't get into trouble too often and I haven't had a drink for more than 14 years. But then I hear a radio news report or see a feed on social media and I feel like I could unravel like a ball of wool that one of my furkids has gotten hold of. I don't understand how teenagers can kill children, leaders can abuse the world as if it's their chessboard, and how people are living cold and hungry on the streets? Why mental health and substance use disorders aren't being more supported by governments, and why the man who sorts our recycling with his perfect spoken English and interpersonal skills isn't employed? I don't understand why the wealthy family who employs our gardener doesn't pay him on time, and why my best friend and my brother had to leave the country so that they felt safe and could take better care of their children's futures.
When did everything get so messy and fucked up? I don't think it's got worse...not for me. My grandparents lived through a world war and I have clients who were severely abused as children. We're not in an actual war zone, and I haven't had to flee to a country to work as a drug dealer or a car guard because there is nothing better available, even though I am a skilled professional who speaks three languages. The worst thing that's happened to me recently is that I need to think more carefully about my retirement because I missed out on my father's money and I put on all my hard lost weight over Covid. I do work hard - I'm a grinder - but I also know that it's all just like a big game of chance as to where we end up... I believe that some philosophies have their ideas about this. It's just days like this that get under my skin. It doesn't seem that difficult to be kind to people, share what extra we have in whatever little way we can, think about others, try and be conscious of our impact, and not assume anything about anyone. I feel the judgement poking its ugly little cobra head up at times just like anyone else...I do try and keep that little fucker in its basket as much as possible though; even if it means sitting on the lid.
I am wrangling with the pointlessness of dead children (not just in the USA), racist shootings, GBV, governments that don't seem to give a fuck, fascists that invade peaceful countries on a narcissist whim, and people being more concerned about the mental health of celebrities than they are about the people in their own neighbourhoods, and reality TV, which although I am sure is "entertaining" contributes nothing to make the world a better place IMHO. I'm pissed off and angry, confused and sad, and it feels as though some days I don't even have enough courage to even listen to the radio news. I want people to talk to one another, take ownership of their shit, and look at people in the eye rather than ignoring them. I want parents and partners, children and colleagues, families and friends, to understand that it's not always about them, and some days that it's just really hard to be a person who feels in this crazy, messed-up world - and that's okay!
I don't know where I'm going with all this...I just needed to let my cracked heart talk it out and it found its way here. I will continue to wrestle with my heart in the emotional ooze tonight, and then I'm going to try and get some sleep. If you got this far, I truly hope your heart is open to the world around you, even though that can hurt like hell at times. Feeling like this reminds me that I am alive and conscious of what it means to be a member of the human race.